I am hopfully going to go to Santa Rosa very soon to stay with a friend there who is willing to help me heal & get back on my feet. I have quite a lot to coordinate. I moved most of my stuff already. Just a few smaller things are left to move and of course my kitty cat. I may need to stay a few extra days in this area though and just keep kitty with me in my car because my bff Stacey is gonna be in town from Tenn. I haven't seen her in a few years. I hope it all works out somehow like i think that it will.

I will still be comming back around here for doctor's appointments and other things like interviews. This is only temporary until i can finish healing and get a job and stuff going. So far I am doing ok. I am walking quite a bit better now and hope to get to normal speeds soon enough. Still shouldn't dance for at least two more weeks though, grr! I keep singing a lot more now, lol. I have been so very busy keeping up with things and this whole survival thing takes quite a bit of effort.

Well, thats all i got for now. later.

How I Hurt and Why Condensed Version

How I Hurt and Why Condensed Version

This part was written Thursday afternoon the 14th of Oct and finished or edited in parts on Friday the 15th of Oct.

I have not had many lucid moments in my head over the last um… since Sunday night the 10th of October, when it got worse than the two weeks before hand when I was only sometimes incoherent. If this story makes no sense it is do to the inconstancy of my brain functions. If you understand me anyway, kudos to you and I am glad I was able to get it written down. I am now attempting to edit my story for readability and spelling.

After consulting my issues with others I have come to the most likely conclusion that what is causing my loopy, dizzy, migraine, swimming, non-lucid brain misfires is that I probably have a bruised blood vessel in my brain from a way over abundance of stress. This makes the most sense to me even though I am only able to make sense in small random intervals.

So much happens for me every single day takes a book to tell but I can give you the names of the chapters, so to speak kinda like headlines.

Miki get cruelly and horrifically dumped by husband, Kelly, 6 months ago.
Miki is homeless for 2 months.
Miki acquires a boyfriend with long term friend Bruce
Bruce lets her stay part time with him.
Miki finds better ways to think, function, and be happy.
Miki starts Nox the alternative Goth/industrial club with Bruce.
Miki get two students for her entertainment company and teaches dance
Now Miki has two jobs and all is normal and good. Normal stress levels so far.

Miki found the perfect roommate, he is an Indian named Siva
Siva gets adopeted into Miki's family, everyone loves him.
Miki learns a great deal about the world and Indian culture from Siva.
Miki is living in paradise for about three months before his visa expired.

Miki gets another job teaching at a daycare for a great Indian family
Miki balances schedule now with three jobs.
Miki knows she has to move soon, stressful with 3 jobs.

Miki gets injured at Nox.

Siva goes home to the other side of the world
Miki is ripped from heaven, has to move and misses her new brother.
Miki finds Paula who gives her hope & in turn Miki also gives hope back
Miki moves in and works for Paula to help with her business & house life.

Miki reinjures her leg once again at Nox. (torn ligament in knee & badly sprained ankle)

Miki's health declines, she still misses her new brother Siva, and now has an injured leg that slows her down.
Miki calls on the only one available who is willing to help with all things needed to be done, ex husband Kelly.
Paula meets Kelly & decides he is an exception to her distrust of all men.
I am able to do less and less as my health declines.
Kelly rides in to save the day then looks at the mountains of stuff still needing to be done & offers more help.
Paula is charmed and dazzled by Kelly & Miki's health gets worse.
Paula looses faith in me, Kelly gives her more hope.
Kelly moves in to help even more as i can do less and less with my declining health.

I am with Paula two weeks and in that time frame had chronic migraines, vertigo dizziness, random hot or cold spells that would all debilitate me along with much pain in my leg.

Miki's mental stability goes really bad around Kelly.

Miki freaks out and her body shuts down.
Bruce breaks up with Miki
Miki is heartbroken though they are still friends.

Again Miki's body shuts down and is unable to even talk.
Bruce calls my dad.

Miki’s dad comes to save the day so i can avoid hospitals
One pleasant night at dad's house spent then i must figure shit out.
Miki thinks with her muddled and migraine ridden head.
Miki decides she cannot live with Kelly & it is best for him to keep helping Paula.
She knows she would have to go back on psycho meds to live with him again.

Miki needs a break so she goes to best friend's house for the night and is only allowed to stay for one day.

Miki rests and sleeps then wakes up still dizzy and worried about job, living situation, etc
Miki needs to search for other live in jobs she is able to do while still injured and sick. A task not easily done.
Miki wishes to get the hell outta this whole stinkin place and move to other side of the world with Indian brother, Siva.

Siva calls as Miki freaks out again.
He tells Miki he must adjust to his own move and get reintegrated with his family and take care of his sick father, etc.
Miki feels bad about Siva's sick dad but still must find something if possible.

Miki is unsure what to do coz best friend said I may stay longer then things changed and I had to get out fast. I am unsure as to why and don’t want to really know.
Fast don’t work well with Miki but she tries to gather things and walk the one long block to her car while still ill.
Miki takes an hour and a half to get from Brian's room to about 4 houses down the street.
Miki collapses on the sidewalk in too much pain and exhaustion.
Miki takes some time while sitting there to think.
Miki decides she needs help.
Miki thinks for about 5 whole min and remembers this party she went to with sister Samie that was at her friend’s house down the street.
I call Samie on speed dial and she don’t answer. I think of who else's number i may call who may know someone who lives in that house nearby.
I call the guy i met at the party who i am now dating and he gives me the number of Samie's and his friend Mike who lives in that house.
Mike comes and finds me on the sidewalk down a block from his house and brings me back to his place.

Miki tells Mike as much of what happend as possible as she shoves and apple and banana down her own throat.
Miki takes two vicodin and passes out on the couch as soon as Mike tells me i was safe and welcome to do so.

Miki sleeps for some time then awakes to an offer for a shower with a seat built in so no worries bout falling over.
I shower. i Take forever doing so. I begin to feel better. While still on vicodin and in a shower i sing some like a goofball.
Poor wonderful Mike puts up with me then i go back to sleep.

I wake up. I eat with some help from Mike.
Miki hops online and checks email b4 searching for things.
Miki send several emails and chats with sister Samie online.
Miki writes this email in an odd context with headlines in the third person and bad changes in context.
I am at the moment doing ok but mostly only so due to the pain pills that make me loopy.
though i am loopy without them too but in more pain which i am not fond of.

And now that is about all i am able to write to you at this time as far as an update goes. There is much between the lines but that is pretty much the basics and highlights of how i have been. You can imagin how i feel through all this. I am trying to keep up with friends as best i can but life really has been insane and and one thing would be enough to overwhelm but i got so much of those happening at once that my body can no longer handle things and is shutting down so I am attempting to use my mind, (which is also not well) to try and stableizes some kind of function so i may perhaps explore any options. Paula read my letter with my explinations in them and has some ideas she wold like to discuss with me. I have no idea what she has in mind for solutions but we shall see if we can both handle any of her proposals.

Things wouldnt be so bad if i didnt require phsyciatric medication every time Kelly is that much in my life. I am much happier, stable and better all around when he is not in my life. I do not wish to go back on phsyco drugs. that would be bad.

Now below I will copy and paste the story i told my sister about the last few days. Hopefully it is followable enough to make some kinda sense to you.



This next part was an IMing session written back and forth between myself and my sister Samie and was written on Thursday early morning (middle of the friggin night) the 14th of October.


[You]
1:27am
hey
[Samantha Beardslee]
1:29am
hi
[You]
1:30am
up late again?
[Samantha Beardslee]
1:33am
yeah
not for any particular reason though. I just get to sleep in tomorrow.
[You]
1:34am
sounds good to me. I am on vicodin and focusing on healing. This house is very nice and very comfy
[Samantha Beardslee]
1:35am
what house?
[You]
1:36am
Mike, Jason, etc.
i am in their guest room tonight
[Samantha Beardslee]
1:36am
ah.
That's nice of them.
[You]
1:37am
yes it is.
[Samantha Beardslee]
1:37am
Try not to take advantage of it.
[You]
1:38am
what in gods name makes you think i would do sucha thing? I didnt even want to be in this pradicament in the first place! Brian was supposed to let me stay with him but things changed and now he is apologizing like crazy for making me leave early and on my own when i am still very much outta my mind and in way too much pain.
being in this house at least allows me to take the vicodin to reduce the pain and rest so i need not worry about driving. i would never want to be where i am unwelcome and would not even consider taking advatage of such angels
i almost went to the hospital tonight from over doing everything
[Samantha Beardslee]
1:40am
I'm not trying to attack you. You're a very sweet person.
[You]
1:41am
it took me 15 min of sitting on the sidewalk with my stuff after trying to make it to my car til i even remmebered this place was here near by where i collapsed
it took me another 5 min for me to remember you had their number so i could call. when you didnt answer it took i have no idea how much longer to remember Rod is also Mike's friend
[Samantha Beardslee]
1:41am
why did you collapse?
[You]
1:41am
so i got in touch with Mike through Rod
then i thanked God for my luck and then cursed myself for overdoing so much theat led me here in the forst place. I am so very thankful for their kindness.
it is a bit of a long story.
I will try to shorten it.
I left Paula
's
place on Sunday with mom
to go to karaoke
I stayed with Bruce afterwards that night, something i used to do aalll the time before Timmi moved out and Trudy moved in.
It was my turn to be with him and it had been about three months since the last time
when Trudi got home from work she saw me come out of the bathroom and was startled and surprised. Bruce is apperently not very good at telling her when it is my turn nad she forgot that i was only ment to give them three months space to begin with
[Samantha Beardslee]
1:47am
ok
[You]
1:47am
anyway we had a very Loooong discussion with no fighting and they came to the conclution that they should be monogomus with eachother and so Bruce broke up with me.
now for the last two weeks since I been at Paulas place, i have had soem health issues
[Samantha Beardslee]
1:49am
ok
[You]
1:49am
this has been quite a stressful month for me. I moved from a Paradise with siva to a place i though would become close to just as great
but still saying goodby wigged me out as you well are aware of. that makes one large overwhelming thing
[Samantha Beardslee]
1:51am
Yeah, but why did you collapse?
[You]
1:51am
add to that i am injured to the point i must downsize my jobs. the 4 i been juggling for a few weeks. each job has its own stresses that makes five new overwhelming issues
then to let some of them go makes two more big stresses to deal with
also that took some responsibilities away so Paula then placed more demands on me
[Samantha Beardslee]
1:52am
By the way, Dev says hi.
[You]
1:52am
i am on my leg too much and reinjur my leg add stress number 8 for that.
Hi dev. you online with him too?
[Samantha Beardslee]
1:53am
yeah, but he's going to bed.
This is the first time I've actually talked with him.
[You]
1:54am
and so on toppa all that Kelly has wormed his way into living with me again in my house with Paula im gonna give him at least three stress factors so that brings me up to 11 overwwlming things i am now dealing with.
[Samantha Beardslee]
1:55am
ok
[You]
1:55am
My health declins rapidly. my whole body begins to shut down so by the time Bruce broke up with me (add 2 more stress facotrs here) i was on the verge of break down
[Samantha Beardslee]
1:55am
ok
[You]
1:56am
I did what i normally do when in so much pain. cried, talked to an understanding female then sang it out. but along the way of trying to heal that....

I think that female bonding shoulder cry thing should be with a sister who um meant the one whos house i was near by when i picked up my check from Mohini and secured my job with her when healed. Becca
who is going through many of her own big stress factors and therfore yelled at me. so while at 13 large stresses add one for Becca and we have 14 things counted that are normally overwhelming by themselves

that night while at the club trying to destress as best i can by singing and crying with bruce my head and whole body shut down to where i couldnt even call dad properly nor speak to give dad the address (not that i remember it anyway at the time) so bruce spoke to him for me as i fought to stay consciouse
[Samantha Beardslee]
2:02am
The address of the club? You needed dad to pick you up?
[You]
2:02am
once i knew i wouldnt be forced to drive in such a contiion i took two vicodin which stablaized my pain enough to hobble to dads car then i crashed at his place
yes and yes
[Samantha Beardslee]
2:02am
crashed at whose place?
[You]
2:04am
so monday night i slept at dads place then all day tuesday dad helped me to destress some more and i wrote paula a letter explaning to her the decision i was forced to make to leave that house since about 85-90% of why i am unable to handle all the other stresses is do to Kelly's presence in my life
i cannot live with that guy without turning back into a complete mental case in need of phsyco meds that i never want to go back on again if i can help it
[Samantha Beardslee]
2:05am
did you give Paula the letter already?
[You]
2:05am
i would rather be in my car than live with him
yes and she told me she has soem ideas she wishes to share with me when she was able to talk with me next. I texted her to please put it all in an email so i could process the info at my own pace do to my brain still not able to function properly.
i have not yet heard her answer.
Kelly can tell you how he has watche my health go downhill the last two weeks. he was there the first two times i had frezzing cold spells and heard me complain and pass out from every reaccuring migrain
the pain in my body and my head not to mention my leg was too much to handle so periodically i have been passing out.
[Samantha Beardslee]
2:10am
that's awful
[You]
2:10am
monday night at the club after ALL 16 large stress factors occured so quickly
it was much worse
and for someone like me who learned to talk b4 anything else to be so much in pain and so out of it i couldnt even tell grandma who i was or say not one coherent word to dad, i was scared
and it took everything i had and i mean everything, every bit of streangth to keep from passing out
[Samantha Beardslee]
2:12am
that sux. Stress is bad.
[You]
2:12am
i DID NOT want 911 called. So i had dad save me
[Samantha Beardslee]
2:12am
I'm sorry I couldn't answer my phone at work.
[You]
2:13am
once tuesday night rolled around i had had enough time destresing with dad i was at least able to talk and drive though i still felt much pain.
I met up with David and told him as much of the story as i could. I had even forgotten i was to meet him tues night at nox. it was luck i had left my car there
he massaged my knee and helped me desress more
tues night i had arragements with brian to stay with him
when it got too much for me to be up and about i had had just enough social interaction to have just barly enough of an energy recharge to drive back to his palce.
Siva called just after i parked
[Samantha Beardslee]
2:16am
oh ok.
[You]
2:16am
Brian carried my computer bag and food and stuff i would be need ing today
i spoke to you and Siva. I was breaking down again. my brain was malfuncioning again. i had to walk incrediblaly slow. I sent brian ahead with my stuff
[Samantha Beardslee]
2:18am
then what?
[You]
2:18am
i struggled to talk and walk slow with my bad leg all that way past Mikes house where the nearest parking spot was
i was loosing energy and cherency fast as i struggled
i got rude to both of you. i do not remember what we spoke about now
i think i hung up on you both

the thing about this much of all kinds of stresses is that it couldnt possibly be fixed so soon with just one day with dad. i think it may take much more rest and healing before my dizzy spells, migrains, pains, hot/colds will stop radomly incopasitating me
i once again had much trouble funtioning after hanign up with you and siva
[Samantha Beardslee]
2:22am
you didn't hang up on us
[You]
2:22am
it took all i had to make it upstairs painfully slowly to his room where i collapsed on the bed
ok
[Samantha Beardslee]
2:22am
You said you were gonna go now and you'd talk to us later.
[You]
2:22am
he said i could stay too look for a new palce and job til prob thursday morning
[Samantha Beardslee]
2:23am
it was fast and seemed a little sudden, but you didn't hang up on us.
who said?
[You]
2:23am
ok i dont remember
Brian
[Samantha Beardslee]
2:23am
oh that's nice of him
[You]
2:23am
then today. um it is wed that was today right?
[Samantha Beardslee]
2:24am
yes
[You]
2:25am
ok well today while Brian was at work i rested and slept and only left the bed to go pee then once awake i began my search for a new home, job, anything that may help that i a just may be able to pull off while still healing from my leg and hope to God that my dizzy/migrain/hot/cold spells clear up fast so i can do such things to survive.
then at 3pm Brian calls and tells me that things changed and i must be out in an hour by 4.
[Samantha Beardslee]
2:27am
ok
[You]
2:28am
i do my very best to gather my things, and left his room at 4:12pm got to the bottom of the stairs at 4:25pm then out the door i took a break to breath and try not to fall as the world once again spun and i felt ALL the pain since i couldnt be on viocodin and drive
I hobble slowy, inch by inch towards my car with a heavey load on my back ans still in great pain + dizzy
i get about 10 feet i take another break.
i pick it all up again and got another two or three houses down the block. it is now 4:47ish
i collaps and realize then i can no logner continue to my car with out help.
i sit there til i can think to call you

to ask for Mikes number once i remebered he was near my car
i tried real real hard not to freak out so i could focuse on what i should do next
I called Rod.
we got in touch with Mike
not sure how i found my pen but i wrote his number on my hand
i was starving, stinky, in pain, dizzy, had no idea where i was going to stay/live/work/anything at all and i ....

once again used every bit of strangth i had til Mike showed up to stay conscious
he brought his car. as soon as he said something that registered in my head as "i dont have to dirve today" i took two vicodin and passed out on the couch
the rest of today Mike has helped me greatly by getting the food i packed form my car, my clothes from my car, heated up my chili for me, helped my hydrate, listened to my drug ridden self (ramlings) and let me use the shower once i could walk again. thank god their shower has a seat bult in cuz i been only able baths til now
[Samantha Beardslee]
2:39am
That was very nice of him. I'm glad he could help you.
[You]
2:39am
after mroe sleep and pain meds i been slowly able to functionmore so i got online tolook for work/job/anything i am actually able to do in my condition with very little hope and much greatfullness to those who have been there for me
I have so far only maybes from those i have contacted.

Rod checked in with me a few times and is also greatful to mike since he had his own mini crisis to handle that kept him from coming over himslef

i spoke to mom as well

Still waiting on any kind of response form paula after seh read that letter.
dad also read the letter b4 i gave it to her
[Samantha Beardslee]
2:42am
what did dad say about the letter?
[You]
2:43am
he said the only thing i left out was a projected time i MAY be able to make more phone call appts for her if she so chooses to keep me as her employee
so I put that in the P.S.

and then he said that i did something very productive by writing that letter. It was his idea i write it

it took much focus and dad laughed at me when i told him i couldnt both write and eat the ppj he put in front of me
the letter took 6 pages to explain
[Samantha Beardslee]
2:46am
I'm glad you wrote that letter though
[You]
2:46am
I would still be incrediblly worried about what i am to do if not for being so loopy on vicodin which in truth i do still feel pain on unless i take two which would make me unable to type

the way is see it, if paula forgives me for missing work and for deciding to leave that place as long as Kelly is there then i got about three weeks or so left there with her til she moves with Kelly to her new house so she her self can get out and away from HER ex husband

He is helping her get that place by restructureing her bysiness. got a dead line of Nov first or so to get the hell out form under Frank's thumb
i am unsure how i would cope there three weeks with him there but i may not have a choice in that.

origionally she wanted both of us to move with her. i, in that letter, turned that down if he is to be there. i also recognized that he absolutly is better for helping her with all this than i am since my leg is holing me back
since she hasnt gotten back to me yet i am unsure what i can do.
my ren fair friend may be able to put in up in a hotel tomorrow night and will get back to me later on that

i shall once again take things once baby step at a time.
i am now falling asleep. the pill just kicked in again.
if u can please help me seach?
[Samantha Beardslee]
2:54am
search for a place to live?
[You]
2:54am
andif you find a wheelchair soemone is getting rid of let me know
yez
and or a job i may be able to do in my state if possible
[Samantha Beardslee]
2:55am
ok
I'll try
[You]
2:56am
thanks. I still wish i could heal in singapore but they are currently acclamating and fragile bonding back again so that no work
must sleep now
[Samantha Beardslee]
2:56am
goodnight
[You]
2:56am
love you. call later

Now it is Sunday the 17th of October and the story continues.

Thursday night and Friday night I spent with my long time good friend Sam. I have moments of lucidity and moments of loopyness. I went out to a movie with a nice new friend and when I came back had trouble at the door of Sam’s apartment. I got delirious and was in much pain. I realized I had once again over exerted myself. He had to pick me up off the ground and I passed out as soon as I got to bed.
Saturday morning came and went I got up in the afternoon some time. I woke up feeling ok for the most part. Only partially dizzy but less pain. I figure it time for me to go to the doctor to get my head looked at or at least get some more pain meds since I was out. I say goodbye to Sam and some how drive myself to Valley Medical Center. I park and get slowly out of my car. I hobble twoars the building as far as I can go. I feel myself in more and more pain and much more dizzy, I fight to stay conscious.

I somehow find a desk I sit on. The pain increases in my head, I call out for help was I fight to stay conscious. I loose that battle and fall to the ground in the hallway of VMC till I wak up almost screeming in pain, crying, and I don’t remember anything about any of this til later. I couldn’t tell them where I was or who I was for about a minute or two. I was scared. I didn’t understand how I got there. The paramedics put me on a board and got me into the Emergency Room where I spent the rest of the day and part of the night. They gave me oxygen, a hydrating IV, and Morphine, then I slept and they let me go at around midnight or something. I was much better but unable to drive. My friend Rod was there with me most of the time helping me and holding my hand. It helped a whole lot. Mom and Gary also were there for most of the time too but they only really let in one visitor at a time so they took turns with me til they let me go.

The doctors tell me they can give me some more vicodin for a few days then I must get an MRI through either Urgent Care or with my primary care doctor on Monday. So that is what I plan to do. I still am not sure why I have been having these issues with my head but I have a theory.

After consulting my issues with others I have come to the most likely conclusion that what is causing my loopy, dizzy, migraine, swimming, non-lucid brain misfires is that I probably have a bruised blood vessel in my brain from a way over abundance of stress. This makes the most sense to me even though I am only able to make sense in small random intervals.

So until further notice I will be doing nothing but resting in bed. So when I am awake I may also be online to chat. Don’t be alarmed if my typing sucks or I make no sense. I still need to get my head examined.
End of story for now. Written Sunday 10/17/2010 I will try to write an update when I know more.

I am now back at Paula's place and she wishes to have a looong talk with me about hwo to get me to stay, work when well enough, and not go nuts again here with ehr and Kelly. I have much thingking to do and big decisions to make. I am unsure yet how it will go or where i will end up.