Kurt and Work

Well, if any of you have gone to my You Tube page you will find I am obviously obsessed with Kirt Nilson. Among my top favorites is "Push Push", "Hunting High and Low", "Here She Comes" (only I'm pissed that someone took that one off the site so now I can't find it.), "Day After Tomorrow", "She's So High", and "Hallelujha". But, of course, I like them all.

I actually have been getting hours so that is why I haven't written in a while. I am now at this new site all by myself and for some reason I feel a little less safe without a company radio. Since I seem to be taking care of many of the problems for the company while on and off duty I may as well have a radio of my own so I can at least have one with me at a site like this. At least the last place I was stationed at alone there was people who lived at the apartment complex to walk by so I wasn't compleatly alone. I know it is nuts to be nervious about being alone but I am and I do not like it much. Hell, I hope my boss doesn't read this, it could jepordise my hours and I still need more. Maybe I am only antcy because I am nearing my time of the month again. Gee, I hope I get another job soon so I can have both or something that workes better than this.

I have been getting more and more upset about being broke but at least there I know I am not alone. I wish there was at least one investor to help us start up our small company. You could not even imagin the difference it makes in me to know that I have succeeded in this thing. It would be like night and day with my attitude. I seem to be scared of everything this week. I wish I knew why.

Shitty Times

Sometimes I just wish the whole world would just leave me alone. Other times I want all the attention in the world. It seems that even on those days the attention I get is not the attantion I really want. Instead I get people telling me what I should and shouldn't do with my time. Then I just get rebellious and want none of it. I would rather come up with the idea to do those things on my own. A lot of times I do want to do someting like go walking or something and I plan to in a little while but then it is mentioned to me as something I must do later on or right just then and I just don't feel like doing it or anything anymore. I know I have issues and it sounds wierd but that is how I feel.

There are days I am really happy with the way things are in my life but most days and more and more often I am just frustrated and unhappy with everything. I know in a lot of ways I am like most people in that I want to be skinny and rich but I also know of all the ways I am different from others. However, I do know of others like me but I have no hope of ever meeting them because I am not in their circle yet. I am a person that will always stick out in a crowd, be right up there in the middle of things, talk until you're blue in the face, laugh until I cry, entertain until I know everyone around me is happy, sing until I've lost all breath, dance until I drop (and then some most times), and take everything in around me so I can show my love for it all. Lately, I have been more quiet, in the background, reserved, introspective, angry, upset, sad, depressed. I haven't felt I had the time nor desire to keep in touch with friends, I haven't felt like dancing. All I want to do now is read and watch American Idol or something. I mean I look at myself and I think "How pathetic is she?" I want my confidence back. I belong in Hollywood.

But, I don't know what got me to feel this way and I don't know how to make it all better. I don't know how to make my dreams come true and I don't know how to apply all the knowledge I have gained thorugh all I have lived through. Some things I dream about I know is impossible to have and that just makes it all worse and for some reason I let it get to me and I feel more violent then I normally would or ever have before. I have used much self control in the last month or so to not just blow my top off (not literaly although I wouldn't mind if I did). All I want really, is to somehow make a positive impact on this messed up world somehow and I want them to know it was me who did it. I am not even all that sure why. I haven't the first clue as to how to start just a thousand good ideas without knowing which one to pull out of the hat and run with because my 20's are almost over and I don't want to waste them on a failer project even though I already know I am wasting them by fretting over all this crap. Maybe it's because I'm bi-polor.

Working Out - Sort Of

I have reached the two week mark for the excersizing and I must admit that I have cheated witht he whole diet thing a bit. Somehow in spite of my cheating I have noticed a few differences in my body. My back is flatter and I feel stronger. However, my time of the month started a couple of days ago and I have been beat during that time. Hubby said it is natural for me to be more worn out while on my time of the month. I skipped a day or so with the hiking and still have not been swimming as much as I should. I feel guilty about that. I am also begining to feel depressed about stuff again. I am not all together sure why. Things are just the same amount of shitty as always. Nothing has changed so why should my mood shift so suddenly to aweful? Maybe the not changing part is what is getting me down. Our problems are not going anywhere.

So last week all together we hiked close to 30 miles with various different difficulties up hill and down hill. I usually feel a sense of accomplishment after a hike but I am just not feeling myself lately.

On other subjects my relationship with hubby is still very well as usuall. Easter was fine. We went to both families as usual. The brunch with his family was I think more fun and the dinner with my family was at least less annoying than usual. Their were no religious debates this time wich was nice. I have more and more ideas af how to make money with no idea how to start them do to lack of funds. Sometimes I wish my creativity were better linked with making money from the very begining and not the whole big picture of a thought. I am still looking for a better job than the two I have now because none of them are giving me any hours for some reason. Maybe I’ll become a secretary or something. I just hope they have a spell check with their program because I no longer have Microsoft Word since the trial ended so now I am using Word Pad with none of the goddies I have been spoild with on the other program.

I hope all of your lives are going better than mine. At least I am getting fit, sort of.