Shitty Times

Sometimes I just wish the whole world would just leave me alone. Other times I want all the attention in the world. It seems that even on those days the attention I get is not the attantion I really want. Instead I get people telling me what I should and shouldn't do with my time. Then I just get rebellious and want none of it. I would rather come up with the idea to do those things on my own. A lot of times I do want to do someting like go walking or something and I plan to in a little while but then it is mentioned to me as something I must do later on or right just then and I just don't feel like doing it or anything anymore. I know I have issues and it sounds wierd but that is how I feel.

There are days I am really happy with the way things are in my life but most days and more and more often I am just frustrated and unhappy with everything. I know in a lot of ways I am like most people in that I want to be skinny and rich but I also know of all the ways I am different from others. However, I do know of others like me but I have no hope of ever meeting them because I am not in their circle yet. I am a person that will always stick out in a crowd, be right up there in the middle of things, talk until you're blue in the face, laugh until I cry, entertain until I know everyone around me is happy, sing until I've lost all breath, dance until I drop (and then some most times), and take everything in around me so I can show my love for it all. Lately, I have been more quiet, in the background, reserved, introspective, angry, upset, sad, depressed. I haven't felt I had the time nor desire to keep in touch with friends, I haven't felt like dancing. All I want to do now is read and watch American Idol or something. I mean I look at myself and I think "How pathetic is she?" I want my confidence back. I belong in Hollywood.

But, I don't know what got me to feel this way and I don't know how to make it all better. I don't know how to make my dreams come true and I don't know how to apply all the knowledge I have gained thorugh all I have lived through. Some things I dream about I know is impossible to have and that just makes it all worse and for some reason I let it get to me and I feel more violent then I normally would or ever have before. I have used much self control in the last month or so to not just blow my top off (not literaly although I wouldn't mind if I did). All I want really, is to somehow make a positive impact on this messed up world somehow and I want them to know it was me who did it. I am not even all that sure why. I haven't the first clue as to how to start just a thousand good ideas without knowing which one to pull out of the hat and run with because my 20's are almost over and I don't want to waste them on a failer project even though I already know I am wasting them by fretting over all this crap. Maybe it's because I'm bi-polor.