Thoughts I probably shouldn’t have but are there anyway. I suck.

You ever have a conversation with someone after having no one to talk to for a long while and find that it is very difficult to shut up because all you've really done the past few days is work and sleep and repeat? Say you are really passionate about a particular subject that you feel the other person can relate to because of something they shared with you and the chat goes well but then you find yourself going on about how things should be but isn't that way on that topic you were just discussing. Afterword I found myself asking what the other person thought about what was exchanged and what the others around who may have listened in thought about what they heard me say, or even if they heard enough to make a sound judgment, or just heard pieces of it and don't understand. I end up feeling like an idiot for some reason then wonder why I couldn't have just kept my mouth shut like everyone else. I get lonely sometimes and I do not know why. Today I took a test about love languages. Last I took it was when I was 15 and got slightly different results. I think lately, my jar has seen better days. I then figure out that I am almost never alright but only pretend for the sake of others I care about so no one worries about me. I would feel better if only I got more hugs from everybody, then I would know I am not the only one who truly cares. I really feel like crying all the time most days and that is really fucked up because I have a lot to be thankful and happy for. I have some friends I love and a husband that takes very good care of me. I should be rejoicing that I have people in my life. Instead I am a fucked up person who cares about everyone but feel very little of that in return mainly I think because hubby has been the only one returning the love. I don't know why I am fucked up like that but I am and it makes me a bitchy person to him. I shouldn't take out any of my pain on him, he does so much for me already. I am stupid and ungrateful to feel this way. So very sad all the time. So incredibly sad. I want Hubby to get better, my sister to have a healthy place to live, my mom to be happy, my dad to stop losing his head, people to start raising their kids properly, the schools to get their head out of their asses, good leaders for our country for once, poverty to no longer be a problem, to be an actress, singer, and dancer, for hubby to have everything he wants, world peace, my children to be healthy, and so much more to happen.

I'm sorry guys, one of these days I'll have an interesting blog for you and not one where I just piss all over everything.