South Bay

i m back in the south Bay area so i may have more time to hang with some of you. Not sure yt. as for now i am falling asleep.

RareRantOnSomeone

hi
I have MUCH to tell you
i may just blog it and make you all read it
[Friend A]
9:44pm
Oh dear
[Me, Miki]
9:45pm
Samie and i just lost a friend in a motercycle accident yesterday
[Friend A]
9:48pm
Major ouch. I lost an uncle that way...
[Me, Miki]
9:49pm
my aunt D now has breast cancer
just found out that other night
you were there
so a bad week
i am still homeless
[Friend A]
9:49pm
Do they know if it's malignant yet?
[Me, Miki]
9:49pm
and i am now really confused by Friend B who got my hopes up real high then crashed them all to pieces
no idea yet
[Friend A]
9:52pm
Friend B changes his mind a LOT
[Me, Miki]
9:54pm
His assistant YELLED at me for absolutely NO reason. I DID NOT tell him what to do. I was trying to work WITH him as a team player!! I only wanted to get shit done as Friend B needed and that ass hole Dude 1 yelled at me while i was driving him somewhere!
if i have one rule it is to Never ever abuse me!!!
at least not while i am fucking driving
or doing someone a favor
all i aver wanted to do was help Friend B. It was Friend B's idea to make a job out of it. HIS idea to hire me! He told me i should come to him. HE said i needed better friends i can rely on. I still trust him in many ways but he cannot pick friends or girlfriends well at all
I WAS actually cleaning. i really and truley had done quite a bit of it.
and Dude 1 said he would have the kitchen done by the tiem i got back from my errand. It wasnt
[Friend A]
9:59pm
Oy
[Me, Miki]
10:00pm
when i got back Friend B said he needed the place clean by 4pm. I know i could do that but then Dude 1 said I absolutly HAD to give him a ride to Fremont in Friend B's car for an errand right then and there no questions
he said I mUST
so i grabed the keys and asked if Friend B asked him to
he said HE was the assistant to Friend B and i was jsut a helper so it was time to go
so down the road we go adn he lightes up a cig
I say, "I am of the understanding that Friend B wanted to keep this car free of smoke. Is that still one of his rules?"
and then he just YELLLLED at me!!!!!
so i pulled over and told him i will go no further till he stops yelling.
he gets out and storms off telling me to leav him there
so i did and went back to Friend B, trying real realy realy hard to not get emotional so as not to cause anymore drama as Friend B keeps telling me he cant handle
but i end up in tear and he tells me to get out of his house. this is after last night he offered me to stay until the first and work for him. This is is after i agreed to help him however i can in return for his kindness
i cried and left
then texted you that i was on my way to your house
then got distracted by my phone bill
so i got a cheaper phone so as not to have a prob calling anyone anymore
and then i got the bad news about my friend's death

usually when things get this bad i count my blessings and usually i get like 30 right off the bat. Today i came up with 6 and they didnt sound so good today
a difficult day

Every day for me is so epically and drastically different there is no possible way to keep sending all of you up dates which is why I blog this way. To let you know whats going on. And even still, I am sure i couldn’t possibly leave every one individual a personalized description of what happened. Knowing the way I talk, I am sure you would all get diff pics of how my life is going right now since I am only able to show a few sides to me at once.

shorter version of my story-part 1

Even more condensed story of my injuries

my husband dumped me 6 months ago, i became homeless again, i found 3 months happines with a new brother from India who was kind to me then went back to the other side of the world so now i miss him. I had 4 nice jobs that i loved but never paid much then i Lost them one by one as my head began to migraine on me constantly right around when my ex husband now wormed back into my life and caused mroe misery and stress

and on toppa all that my boyfriend of the last six months dumped me which added more stress then i lost my last job and i became homelss again. At this point the stress was unberable and my head hurt like more than ablosute HELL add the straw that my big sis yelled at me that night Bruce broke up with me and i became homeless and i ended up in the ER with a brused blood vessel and this is

ALL while still healing from a dance injury which left my left leg in even more pain. torn ligament in my knee and a sprained ankle

and that is not even all of it but there are some cliff notes for you. Most All of this happened in the last month to month and a half or so

any ONE just ONE of those issues would unhinge or unsettle most people. I dealt with all 16 major life stresses when i counted with my shrink b4 i collapsed in the ER

since then my brused brain has healed some, no more black outs. less dizzy. still the migrains come and go. for three whole weeks that pain was Constant even with medication.


you think that is enough to turn a self confident and capable strong woman into a lonley inseure one? I am lonely and homeless and it is too cold to be nude while in my car so i dont sleep much.

I am hopfully going to go to Santa Rosa very soon to stay with a friend there who is willing to help me heal & get back on my feet. I have quite a lot to coordinate. I moved most of my stuff already. Just a few smaller things are left to move and of course my kitty cat. I may need to stay a few extra days in this area though and just keep kitty with me in my car because my bff Stacey is gonna be in town from Tenn. I haven't seen her in a few years. I hope it all works out somehow like i think that it will.

I will still be comming back around here for doctor's appointments and other things like interviews. This is only temporary until i can finish healing and get a job and stuff going. So far I am doing ok. I am walking quite a bit better now and hope to get to normal speeds soon enough. Still shouldn't dance for at least two more weeks though, grr! I keep singing a lot more now, lol. I have been so very busy keeping up with things and this whole survival thing takes quite a bit of effort.

Well, thats all i got for now. later.

How I Hurt and Why Condensed Version

How I Hurt and Why Condensed Version

This part was written Thursday afternoon the 14th of Oct and finished or edited in parts on Friday the 15th of Oct.

I have not had many lucid moments in my head over the last um… since Sunday night the 10th of October, when it got worse than the two weeks before hand when I was only sometimes incoherent. If this story makes no sense it is do to the inconstancy of my brain functions. If you understand me anyway, kudos to you and I am glad I was able to get it written down. I am now attempting to edit my story for readability and spelling.

After consulting my issues with others I have come to the most likely conclusion that what is causing my loopy, dizzy, migraine, swimming, non-lucid brain misfires is that I probably have a bruised blood vessel in my brain from a way over abundance of stress. This makes the most sense to me even though I am only able to make sense in small random intervals.

So much happens for me every single day takes a book to tell but I can give you the names of the chapters, so to speak kinda like headlines.

Miki get cruelly and horrifically dumped by husband, Kelly, 6 months ago.
Miki is homeless for 2 months.
Miki acquires a boyfriend with long term friend Bruce
Bruce lets her stay part time with him.
Miki finds better ways to think, function, and be happy.
Miki starts Nox the alternative Goth/industrial club with Bruce.
Miki get two students for her entertainment company and teaches dance
Now Miki has two jobs and all is normal and good. Normal stress levels so far.

Miki found the perfect roommate, he is an Indian named Siva
Siva gets adopeted into Miki's family, everyone loves him.
Miki learns a great deal about the world and Indian culture from Siva.
Miki is living in paradise for about three months before his visa expired.

Miki gets another job teaching at a daycare for a great Indian family
Miki balances schedule now with three jobs.
Miki knows she has to move soon, stressful with 3 jobs.

Miki gets injured at Nox.

Siva goes home to the other side of the world
Miki is ripped from heaven, has to move and misses her new brother.
Miki finds Paula who gives her hope & in turn Miki also gives hope back
Miki moves in and works for Paula to help with her business & house life.

Miki reinjures her leg once again at Nox. (torn ligament in knee & badly sprained ankle)

Miki's health declines, she still misses her new brother Siva, and now has an injured leg that slows her down.
Miki calls on the only one available who is willing to help with all things needed to be done, ex husband Kelly.
Paula meets Kelly & decides he is an exception to her distrust of all men.
I am able to do less and less as my health declines.
Kelly rides in to save the day then looks at the mountains of stuff still needing to be done & offers more help.
Paula is charmed and dazzled by Kelly & Miki's health gets worse.
Paula looses faith in me, Kelly gives her more hope.
Kelly moves in to help even more as i can do less and less with my declining health.

I am with Paula two weeks and in that time frame had chronic migraines, vertigo dizziness, random hot or cold spells that would all debilitate me along with much pain in my leg.

Miki's mental stability goes really bad around Kelly.

Miki freaks out and her body shuts down.
Bruce breaks up with Miki
Miki is heartbroken though they are still friends.

Again Miki's body shuts down and is unable to even talk.
Bruce calls my dad.

Miki’s dad comes to save the day so i can avoid hospitals
One pleasant night at dad's house spent then i must figure shit out.
Miki thinks with her muddled and migraine ridden head.
Miki decides she cannot live with Kelly & it is best for him to keep helping Paula.
She knows she would have to go back on psycho meds to live with him again.

Miki needs a break so she goes to best friend's house for the night and is only allowed to stay for one day.

Miki rests and sleeps then wakes up still dizzy and worried about job, living situation, etc
Miki needs to search for other live in jobs she is able to do while still injured and sick. A task not easily done.
Miki wishes to get the hell outta this whole stinkin place and move to other side of the world with Indian brother, Siva.

Siva calls as Miki freaks out again.
He tells Miki he must adjust to his own move and get reintegrated with his family and take care of his sick father, etc.
Miki feels bad about Siva's sick dad but still must find something if possible.

Miki is unsure what to do coz best friend said I may stay longer then things changed and I had to get out fast. I am unsure as to why and don’t want to really know.
Fast don’t work well with Miki but she tries to gather things and walk the one long block to her car while still ill.
Miki takes an hour and a half to get from Brian's room to about 4 houses down the street.
Miki collapses on the sidewalk in too much pain and exhaustion.
Miki takes some time while sitting there to think.
Miki decides she needs help.
Miki thinks for about 5 whole min and remembers this party she went to with sister Samie that was at her friend’s house down the street.
I call Samie on speed dial and she don’t answer. I think of who else's number i may call who may know someone who lives in that house nearby.
I call the guy i met at the party who i am now dating and he gives me the number of Samie's and his friend Mike who lives in that house.
Mike comes and finds me on the sidewalk down a block from his house and brings me back to his place.

Miki tells Mike as much of what happend as possible as she shoves and apple and banana down her own throat.
Miki takes two vicodin and passes out on the couch as soon as Mike tells me i was safe and welcome to do so.

Miki sleeps for some time then awakes to an offer for a shower with a seat built in so no worries bout falling over.
I shower. i Take forever doing so. I begin to feel better. While still on vicodin and in a shower i sing some like a goofball.
Poor wonderful Mike puts up with me then i go back to sleep.

I wake up. I eat with some help from Mike.
Miki hops online and checks email b4 searching for things.
Miki send several emails and chats with sister Samie online.
Miki writes this email in an odd context with headlines in the third person and bad changes in context.
I am at the moment doing ok but mostly only so due to the pain pills that make me loopy.
though i am loopy without them too but in more pain which i am not fond of.

And now that is about all i am able to write to you at this time as far as an update goes. There is much between the lines but that is pretty much the basics and highlights of how i have been. You can imagin how i feel through all this. I am trying to keep up with friends as best i can but life really has been insane and and one thing would be enough to overwhelm but i got so much of those happening at once that my body can no longer handle things and is shutting down so I am attempting to use my mind, (which is also not well) to try and stableizes some kind of function so i may perhaps explore any options. Paula read my letter with my explinations in them and has some ideas she wold like to discuss with me. I have no idea what she has in mind for solutions but we shall see if we can both handle any of her proposals.

Things wouldnt be so bad if i didnt require phsyciatric medication every time Kelly is that much in my life. I am much happier, stable and better all around when he is not in my life. I do not wish to go back on phsyco drugs. that would be bad.

Now below I will copy and paste the story i told my sister about the last few days. Hopefully it is followable enough to make some kinda sense to you.



This next part was an IMing session written back and forth between myself and my sister Samie and was written on Thursday early morning (middle of the friggin night) the 14th of October.


[You]
1:27am
hey
[Samantha Beardslee]
1:29am
hi
[You]
1:30am
up late again?
[Samantha Beardslee]
1:33am
yeah
not for any particular reason though. I just get to sleep in tomorrow.
[You]
1:34am
sounds good to me. I am on vicodin and focusing on healing. This house is very nice and very comfy
[Samantha Beardslee]
1:35am
what house?
[You]
1:36am
Mike, Jason, etc.
i am in their guest room tonight
[Samantha Beardslee]
1:36am
ah.
That's nice of them.
[You]
1:37am
yes it is.
[Samantha Beardslee]
1:37am
Try not to take advantage of it.
[You]
1:38am
what in gods name makes you think i would do sucha thing? I didnt even want to be in this pradicament in the first place! Brian was supposed to let me stay with him but things changed and now he is apologizing like crazy for making me leave early and on my own when i am still very much outta my mind and in way too much pain.
being in this house at least allows me to take the vicodin to reduce the pain and rest so i need not worry about driving. i would never want to be where i am unwelcome and would not even consider taking advatage of such angels
i almost went to the hospital tonight from over doing everything
[Samantha Beardslee]
1:40am
I'm not trying to attack you. You're a very sweet person.
[You]
1:41am
it took me 15 min of sitting on the sidewalk with my stuff after trying to make it to my car til i even remmebered this place was here near by where i collapsed
it took me another 5 min for me to remember you had their number so i could call. when you didnt answer it took i have no idea how much longer to remember Rod is also Mike's friend
[Samantha Beardslee]
1:41am
why did you collapse?
[You]
1:41am
so i got in touch with Mike through Rod
then i thanked God for my luck and then cursed myself for overdoing so much theat led me here in the forst place. I am so very thankful for their kindness.
it is a bit of a long story.
I will try to shorten it.
I left Paula
's
place on Sunday with mom
to go to karaoke
I stayed with Bruce afterwards that night, something i used to do aalll the time before Timmi moved out and Trudy moved in.
It was my turn to be with him and it had been about three months since the last time
when Trudi got home from work she saw me come out of the bathroom and was startled and surprised. Bruce is apperently not very good at telling her when it is my turn nad she forgot that i was only ment to give them three months space to begin with
[Samantha Beardslee]
1:47am
ok
[You]
1:47am
anyway we had a very Loooong discussion with no fighting and they came to the conclution that they should be monogomus with eachother and so Bruce broke up with me.
now for the last two weeks since I been at Paulas place, i have had soem health issues
[Samantha Beardslee]
1:49am
ok
[You]
1:49am
this has been quite a stressful month for me. I moved from a Paradise with siva to a place i though would become close to just as great
but still saying goodby wigged me out as you well are aware of. that makes one large overwhelming thing
[Samantha Beardslee]
1:51am
Yeah, but why did you collapse?
[You]
1:51am
add to that i am injured to the point i must downsize my jobs. the 4 i been juggling for a few weeks. each job has its own stresses that makes five new overwhelming issues
then to let some of them go makes two more big stresses to deal with
also that took some responsibilities away so Paula then placed more demands on me
[Samantha Beardslee]
1:52am
By the way, Dev says hi.
[You]
1:52am
i am on my leg too much and reinjur my leg add stress number 8 for that.
Hi dev. you online with him too?
[Samantha Beardslee]
1:53am
yeah, but he's going to bed.
This is the first time I've actually talked with him.
[You]
1:54am
and so on toppa all that Kelly has wormed his way into living with me again in my house with Paula im gonna give him at least three stress factors so that brings me up to 11 overwwlming things i am now dealing with.
[Samantha Beardslee]
1:55am
ok
[You]
1:55am
My health declins rapidly. my whole body begins to shut down so by the time Bruce broke up with me (add 2 more stress facotrs here) i was on the verge of break down
[Samantha Beardslee]
1:55am
ok
[You]
1:56am
I did what i normally do when in so much pain. cried, talked to an understanding female then sang it out. but along the way of trying to heal that....

I think that female bonding shoulder cry thing should be with a sister who um meant the one whos house i was near by when i picked up my check from Mohini and secured my job with her when healed. Becca
who is going through many of her own big stress factors and therfore yelled at me. so while at 13 large stresses add one for Becca and we have 14 things counted that are normally overwhelming by themselves

that night while at the club trying to destress as best i can by singing and crying with bruce my head and whole body shut down to where i couldnt even call dad properly nor speak to give dad the address (not that i remember it anyway at the time) so bruce spoke to him for me as i fought to stay consciouse
[Samantha Beardslee]
2:02am
The address of the club? You needed dad to pick you up?
[You]
2:02am
once i knew i wouldnt be forced to drive in such a contiion i took two vicodin which stablaized my pain enough to hobble to dads car then i crashed at his place
yes and yes
[Samantha Beardslee]
2:02am
crashed at whose place?
[You]
2:04am
so monday night i slept at dads place then all day tuesday dad helped me to destress some more and i wrote paula a letter explaning to her the decision i was forced to make to leave that house since about 85-90% of why i am unable to handle all the other stresses is do to Kelly's presence in my life
i cannot live with that guy without turning back into a complete mental case in need of phsyco meds that i never want to go back on again if i can help it
[Samantha Beardslee]
2:05am
did you give Paula the letter already?
[You]
2:05am
i would rather be in my car than live with him
yes and she told me she has soem ideas she wishes to share with me when she was able to talk with me next. I texted her to please put it all in an email so i could process the info at my own pace do to my brain still not able to function properly.
i have not yet heard her answer.
Kelly can tell you how he has watche my health go downhill the last two weeks. he was there the first two times i had frezzing cold spells and heard me complain and pass out from every reaccuring migrain
the pain in my body and my head not to mention my leg was too much to handle so periodically i have been passing out.
[Samantha Beardslee]
2:10am
that's awful
[You]
2:10am
monday night at the club after ALL 16 large stress factors occured so quickly
it was much worse
and for someone like me who learned to talk b4 anything else to be so much in pain and so out of it i couldnt even tell grandma who i was or say not one coherent word to dad, i was scared
and it took everything i had and i mean everything, every bit of streangth to keep from passing out
[Samantha Beardslee]
2:12am
that sux. Stress is bad.
[You]
2:12am
i DID NOT want 911 called. So i had dad save me
[Samantha Beardslee]
2:12am
I'm sorry I couldn't answer my phone at work.
[You]
2:13am
once tuesday night rolled around i had had enough time destresing with dad i was at least able to talk and drive though i still felt much pain.
I met up with David and told him as much of the story as i could. I had even forgotten i was to meet him tues night at nox. it was luck i had left my car there
he massaged my knee and helped me desress more
tues night i had arragements with brian to stay with him
when it got too much for me to be up and about i had had just enough social interaction to have just barly enough of an energy recharge to drive back to his palce.
Siva called just after i parked
[Samantha Beardslee]
2:16am
oh ok.
[You]
2:16am
Brian carried my computer bag and food and stuff i would be need ing today
i spoke to you and Siva. I was breaking down again. my brain was malfuncioning again. i had to walk incrediblaly slow. I sent brian ahead with my stuff
[Samantha Beardslee]
2:18am
then what?
[You]
2:18am
i struggled to talk and walk slow with my bad leg all that way past Mikes house where the nearest parking spot was
i was loosing energy and cherency fast as i struggled
i got rude to both of you. i do not remember what we spoke about now
i think i hung up on you both

the thing about this much of all kinds of stresses is that it couldnt possibly be fixed so soon with just one day with dad. i think it may take much more rest and healing before my dizzy spells, migrains, pains, hot/colds will stop radomly incopasitating me
i once again had much trouble funtioning after hanign up with you and siva
[Samantha Beardslee]
2:22am
you didn't hang up on us
[You]
2:22am
it took all i had to make it upstairs painfully slowly to his room where i collapsed on the bed
ok
[Samantha Beardslee]
2:22am
You said you were gonna go now and you'd talk to us later.
[You]
2:22am
he said i could stay too look for a new palce and job til prob thursday morning
[Samantha Beardslee]
2:23am
it was fast and seemed a little sudden, but you didn't hang up on us.
who said?
[You]
2:23am
ok i dont remember
Brian
[Samantha Beardslee]
2:23am
oh that's nice of him
[You]
2:23am
then today. um it is wed that was today right?
[Samantha Beardslee]
2:24am
yes
[You]
2:25am
ok well today while Brian was at work i rested and slept and only left the bed to go pee then once awake i began my search for a new home, job, anything that may help that i a just may be able to pull off while still healing from my leg and hope to God that my dizzy/migrain/hot/cold spells clear up fast so i can do such things to survive.
then at 3pm Brian calls and tells me that things changed and i must be out in an hour by 4.
[Samantha Beardslee]
2:27am
ok
[You]
2:28am
i do my very best to gather my things, and left his room at 4:12pm got to the bottom of the stairs at 4:25pm then out the door i took a break to breath and try not to fall as the world once again spun and i felt ALL the pain since i couldnt be on viocodin and drive
I hobble slowy, inch by inch towards my car with a heavey load on my back ans still in great pain + dizzy
i get about 10 feet i take another break.
i pick it all up again and got another two or three houses down the block. it is now 4:47ish
i collaps and realize then i can no logner continue to my car with out help.
i sit there til i can think to call you

to ask for Mikes number once i remebered he was near my car
i tried real real hard not to freak out so i could focuse on what i should do next
I called Rod.
we got in touch with Mike
not sure how i found my pen but i wrote his number on my hand
i was starving, stinky, in pain, dizzy, had no idea where i was going to stay/live/work/anything at all and i ....

once again used every bit of strangth i had til Mike showed up to stay conscious
he brought his car. as soon as he said something that registered in my head as "i dont have to dirve today" i took two vicodin and passed out on the couch
the rest of today Mike has helped me greatly by getting the food i packed form my car, my clothes from my car, heated up my chili for me, helped my hydrate, listened to my drug ridden self (ramlings) and let me use the shower once i could walk again. thank god their shower has a seat bult in cuz i been only able baths til now
[Samantha Beardslee]
2:39am
That was very nice of him. I'm glad he could help you.
[You]
2:39am
after mroe sleep and pain meds i been slowly able to functionmore so i got online tolook for work/job/anything i am actually able to do in my condition with very little hope and much greatfullness to those who have been there for me
I have so far only maybes from those i have contacted.

Rod checked in with me a few times and is also greatful to mike since he had his own mini crisis to handle that kept him from coming over himslef

i spoke to mom as well

Still waiting on any kind of response form paula after seh read that letter.
dad also read the letter b4 i gave it to her
[Samantha Beardslee]
2:42am
what did dad say about the letter?
[You]
2:43am
he said the only thing i left out was a projected time i MAY be able to make more phone call appts for her if she so chooses to keep me as her employee
so I put that in the P.S.

and then he said that i did something very productive by writing that letter. It was his idea i write it

it took much focus and dad laughed at me when i told him i couldnt both write and eat the ppj he put in front of me
the letter took 6 pages to explain
[Samantha Beardslee]
2:46am
I'm glad you wrote that letter though
[You]
2:46am
I would still be incrediblly worried about what i am to do if not for being so loopy on vicodin which in truth i do still feel pain on unless i take two which would make me unable to type

the way is see it, if paula forgives me for missing work and for deciding to leave that place as long as Kelly is there then i got about three weeks or so left there with her til she moves with Kelly to her new house so she her self can get out and away from HER ex husband

He is helping her get that place by restructureing her bysiness. got a dead line of Nov first or so to get the hell out form under Frank's thumb
i am unsure how i would cope there three weeks with him there but i may not have a choice in that.

origionally she wanted both of us to move with her. i, in that letter, turned that down if he is to be there. i also recognized that he absolutly is better for helping her with all this than i am since my leg is holing me back
since she hasnt gotten back to me yet i am unsure what i can do.
my ren fair friend may be able to put in up in a hotel tomorrow night and will get back to me later on that

i shall once again take things once baby step at a time.
i am now falling asleep. the pill just kicked in again.
if u can please help me seach?
[Samantha Beardslee]
2:54am
search for a place to live?
[You]
2:54am
andif you find a wheelchair soemone is getting rid of let me know
yez
and or a job i may be able to do in my state if possible
[Samantha Beardslee]
2:55am
ok
I'll try
[You]
2:56am
thanks. I still wish i could heal in singapore but they are currently acclamating and fragile bonding back again so that no work
must sleep now
[Samantha Beardslee]
2:56am
goodnight
[You]
2:56am
love you. call later

Now it is Sunday the 17th of October and the story continues.

Thursday night and Friday night I spent with my long time good friend Sam. I have moments of lucidity and moments of loopyness. I went out to a movie with a nice new friend and when I came back had trouble at the door of Sam’s apartment. I got delirious and was in much pain. I realized I had once again over exerted myself. He had to pick me up off the ground and I passed out as soon as I got to bed.
Saturday morning came and went I got up in the afternoon some time. I woke up feeling ok for the most part. Only partially dizzy but less pain. I figure it time for me to go to the doctor to get my head looked at or at least get some more pain meds since I was out. I say goodbye to Sam and some how drive myself to Valley Medical Center. I park and get slowly out of my car. I hobble twoars the building as far as I can go. I feel myself in more and more pain and much more dizzy, I fight to stay conscious.

I somehow find a desk I sit on. The pain increases in my head, I call out for help was I fight to stay conscious. I loose that battle and fall to the ground in the hallway of VMC till I wak up almost screeming in pain, crying, and I don’t remember anything about any of this til later. I couldn’t tell them where I was or who I was for about a minute or two. I was scared. I didn’t understand how I got there. The paramedics put me on a board and got me into the Emergency Room where I spent the rest of the day and part of the night. They gave me oxygen, a hydrating IV, and Morphine, then I slept and they let me go at around midnight or something. I was much better but unable to drive. My friend Rod was there with me most of the time helping me and holding my hand. It helped a whole lot. Mom and Gary also were there for most of the time too but they only really let in one visitor at a time so they took turns with me til they let me go.

The doctors tell me they can give me some more vicodin for a few days then I must get an MRI through either Urgent Care or with my primary care doctor on Monday. So that is what I plan to do. I still am not sure why I have been having these issues with my head but I have a theory.

After consulting my issues with others I have come to the most likely conclusion that what is causing my loopy, dizzy, migraine, swimming, non-lucid brain misfires is that I probably have a bruised blood vessel in my brain from a way over abundance of stress. This makes the most sense to me even though I am only able to make sense in small random intervals.

So until further notice I will be doing nothing but resting in bed. So when I am awake I may also be online to chat. Don’t be alarmed if my typing sucks or I make no sense. I still need to get my head examined.
End of story for now. Written Sunday 10/17/2010 I will try to write an update when I know more.

I am now back at Paula's place and she wishes to have a looong talk with me about hwo to get me to stay, work when well enough, and not go nuts again here with ehr and Kelly. I have much thingking to do and big decisions to make. I am unsure yet how it will go or where i will end up.

Motives Excerpt

I have been trying to teach people this concept for years when explaining my Love based way of life or love and truth based religion. My Dad wrote it down nicely so I am sharing it with all of you:

When evaluating motives, we all tend to be suspicious. Under normal circumstances, our suspicions uncover hidden motives. This methodology breaks down when Love is in the formula.

The problem - Love is illogical. Therefore, behavior stimulated by Love may
not make any sense at all. When there are no hidden motives, it's like trying to divide by zero. So when we notice that an action is driven by Love, it is best to just accept it the way it is, and not try to change, interpret, or criticize it. Even when alternative motives are present alongside the Love, the intent is usually positive in spite of any negative consequences.

The trick is to discern when Love is in the mix.

Under Construction

This site is still under construction. In the meantime check out my Price List and the List of Dances Offered and email me with your questions, comments, and when you would like to meet for our lessons.

She’s Baaaack! More Neshamah at the KoC

I had a blast last night on that dance floor! Then my tummy got upset and produced too much acid so I had much pain and tummy trouble. The rest of the time so I took a mini nap in one of the back booths til it was time to go to our usual Denny's run. Timmy made me something with bubble so I could move without puking (that wasn't pleasant, I puked anyway). Apparently we are all getting the flu over here. And I got to drive cuz Bruce while ok still had enough alcohol in his system it would have gotten him a DUI if pulled over. Yay I love driving stick shifts! My poor tummy kept me sleeping worse than normal which is basically saying sore than badly and I am not allowed naps or caffeine today since 2nite is the sleep study. At least I will be good and tired by the time I get there. All I could have at Denny's was toast with no butter since everything else has either too much grease, sugar, or both. lol I think I will need to fix my diet once I get my own place all fixed in my life. One step at a time things will get better. I am glad I got to see so many people I love there last night. I mean everyone I hadn't seen in a while was there for at least a little bit so I could have plenty of hugs which I needed to cheer me up after the traffic on 101 among other things really pissed me off to the point I flipped out and went on a bit of a tirade. I am so glad they put up with me and my shit. They still do not hate me so I guess it wasn't that bad. Oh and I am back on an older stabilizer from b4 instead of the stuff I have been on so that would help keep me more stable. At least I did get on the dance floor but was so into the movement cheering me up that I forgot all about getting people to take pics. I was popping out of my top quite a bit too so I tied my other thingy over it just in case but it was still way too revealing. Not that I minded one bit but, eh, not exactly comfortable without enough support while moving around that much. I may just have to model it again at some point. I can also find my normal over shirt that I have over it and wear it again next week. That way I can have several layers to be peeled off at any point as usual, well…I am Miss Behaved.

Why/How I Am Now the Bad Guy. Goodbye Family

I think I may just have to turn into the bad guy in this case...And no, none of you really want to know, but still....big sighs. What must be done, must be done for the good of all, for the greater good or the lesser evil.

Though I do understand that choosing the lesser of evils is still Evil, so that makes me the only one strong enough to do the right thing and become the bad guy. I am truly sorry it must be this way, truly.




I am doing something i swore I'd never ever do. I am doing something i promised would never happen. But oh is it so nessassary. I should have done this back at Christmas when I saw her hit him... hard on the head. Why did I wait this long? Why has no one else told the social worker truth? Fear, Fear, fear is the only excuse but it is not good enough. I must put an end to this distruction, I must or forever hold my peace which has been greatly dissrupted by all this shit

I am reporting my neice and nephew be removed from my sis-in-laws care. and yes that is the evil I speak of. This will gurrentee that any ties that i may have still had with that family after the divorce is now severed forever.

I am truly forced to say goodby by doing this
I should have done it back in December

I was too full of hope then

I was too scared then

I was too fucked up my self back then

still i use the words, should have

and it will cost me greatly. I will also suffer. I am the only one willing to reap such consequences

they will ALL hate me

they are at my mom in laws house able to kill her at any moment with just one tiny kick to her stomach. She could be gone in a blink of an eye. How dare i leave that place bc someone offered to feed me and mom said to go away now i was no longer needed?
how dare I? Even though they were asleep when i left at 1am how could i go?

I could use some prayer....ok loads and tons of em

I must stay srong, not let this kill or distroy me, I must pull through this and it will make me stronger.

As of today I may no longer have ANY family for what I am doing but if i dont, more lives could be lost & mine matters not. Children come first, mom is worth it even if she dissagrees. I am truely sorry.

I must stay srong, not let this kill or distroy me, I must pull through this and it will make me stronger.

Update on How I Am

I am surviving and following well laid out plans on fixing things in my life with the proper amount of flexibility for the unkowns in life. I am still having a blast and working well throught the shit I am currently wading through (metaphorically of course, lol, can you imagin? Yuck!) Anyways, I am going to great places and soon. I put out several lines and cast our more reels so I am thinking at least one of them should bite by July first so I will finally have a place to live so I am no longer homeless. I am excited to see what more life will through my way in all this but also have maps, plans, guidlines, rules, values, statndards, and all those other good things that make up a full and complete life. hmm I think I will put this on my blog too...

Just found these quotes, LOL!

These are great quotes:

Brain Cramps:

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

" I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,                                  -Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
`````````````````````````````
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas.
````````````````````````````
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
``````````````````````````````````
" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another"
--George Bush, US President
``````````````````````
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
--Dan Quayle
``````````
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca
```````````
"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version."
--Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.
`````````````````````````````````````````
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &sports analyst.
````````````````````````````````````````````
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
`````````````````````````````````
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery
```````````````
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
````````````````````````````````````````````
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they
go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the
next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

Please help your favorite ______(me)

Ok people if I can get 25 of you to dontate $20 each then I will be able to have a place with some roomates. So far I have had one large enough donation to cover the rest of it. My goal is to get all your help for June rent and then kick everything I have been doing into high gear in the job finding to cover July and other months.

I would so owe all of you who donate to my survival a big favor so please let me know if any of you can help. I have one week to give my answer to my potential roomates if I can swing enough for rent by the 1st of June. Which also means as long as I get notified of your help by Sunday then we have til the first to actually coodinate the give/recieve process. Much love to you all and Thank you 100 Million times!!! I just know we can pull this off!

Happy Birthday Dad!

Happy Birthday Dad! I love you.

Single & Homeless

Hi to you all. I am now single and homeless as of May2, 2010. For the last few nights or so I have been doing my best to find places to crash perhaps at least on a once in a while bases. I already have every Tuesday covered but I am still working on setting up other days with other good people. I have been finding creative ways to stay fed when possible and certainly have been keeping up with hygene since that is important to me to stay clean. I have sent out so many resumes I have lost count. So far the favorite one that I applied for is to work as an in house caretaker for a disabled person who needs help in exchange for a room and $11.50/hour. That would by far be the best job for me right now since I know much I just love to help and care for people. I try my best to be easy to get along with and do not like to cause any problems. I would rather be a part of solutions instead. Any way I really hope I do get that job or one just like it cause I am willing to work my ass off for a place and a job to stabilize at least some part of my life since I am now single and out on my own with nothing but my car. God or whatever higher power you believe in bless my car!!!

I have reconnected with my sisters in the last couple days and they are good support as well as getting along better with me. We understand each other. So far my very near and dear friends have been extremely helpful and kind to me through all this. It is quite a process to de-integrate all of our stuff that has accumulated over the last six years or so. We didn’t get together everything over night so separating it all will also not be done over night. I am doing my best to hold it all together and take things one day and one step at a time. As of May 2 I have no real plans other than to look for food and some semblance of a roof over my head each day. I will be going from place to place and hopefully after not too long I will get a job and hopefully a live in type job that doesn’t require a Dr. or Nurse degree. I am great at CPR and First Aid and have studied extensively how the human body works but I am no nurse or doctor and there has to be someone out there who will not hold that against me. I did at least go to college.

I want to let people to know that they do not have to worry about me or feel bad that I am going through a divorce and homeless alone but I will be needing help from others along my way. If anyone can help in any capacity no matter how small or big I will be completely grateful of all of your help and look forward to paying back and forward your kindness to me. I just do not want my pain to cause anyone else pain too but know that I love you all for caring.

And for those who will be there I will see you all at Baycon this year near the end of this month. I am going to try to volunteer as a Gopher since I am so broke but you all know me so I am gonna go no matter what so I can say hi and thank you all for everything.

Traveling Oddly

It started out that I went for a visit over to a friend’s house In the dream the place was over by De Anza college but we were at the same time also in some other bazaar country near the ocean, some mountains and a large city.

So at their place they showed me this really cool new technological super invention...

It was this putty stuff that was like colored balls of putty like paint only came apart easier with a very uh… solid but fluid like texture. This stuff was soooo cool you could do practically anything with it. You could change its color at a thought or pick off a thin piece of it and spread out a film of it on your skin or onto a window or wall and it would project an image of whatever in its surface with the level of transparency base on how thick a piece you pulled off. If you put it on your arm it could link to a brain chip an it is a com panel or keyboard or a slideshow or video or whatever you wanted that was like a computer function thing.

You could play with it like silly putty or clay but it was also slightly magnetic so you had to handle it carefully because it could easily have dead cells if you messed with it wrong since it was also biotech stuff. But there were ways to reanimate or bring back the stuff to working right if ya knew how. When it died it turned into this grey chalky like lump sorta like uncooked pizza dough but was colorful again when brought back.

We could let go of a piece and it would zoom across the room and magnetically stick itself to where you aimed it to go. It was completely programmable shit by your thoughts in your mind and it was sooo much fun to play with. But weird if ya think about it too long in reality, still I thought it was really cool.

So after we were all done playing at the house I took a long walk to the nearest very large park. Along the walk I saw some local sights and some of the odd architecture. I came to a part of the park that was a fenced off area that was put their specially for those who wanted to get frisky at the park without getting into trouble. It was normal in the dream for a park to have such a place.

It was a rounded and the fence was wood. there was both grass and sand areas and some built in nature like looking "play" things. There was even self pleasuring places but mostly people just hooked up together on the ground and put down blankets or something. There was also a sleeping area in another part of the park, a homeless area, a prayer/meditation/spiritual area, an old folks like to chat together area, an arts and crafts area, a chess area. It was a big park.

But this kinky part was actually a small area like about a .... er.... lets see...perhaps a 30 or 40 foot diameter. Not too big it was just a clear fenced area with occasional couples or singles playing around or cuddling and stuff. I just glanced in that general direction and kept walking until it was time for me to go to work.

In my dream I worked at a roller rink of all places but this one had a bit of a twist where there was this popular game that went with the skating and it didn’t matter if you were in rollerblades or the normal skates. This was an odd game and I do not really remember the details but I think it involved sliding into something somehow to score points and in the process you get covered in different colored chalk and we all laugh about it and how silly the whole lame thing is but do it anyways because it is fun and silly.

I had my skates on and danced around the rink in my skates and played the game along with everyone else till it was dark and I was all tired. So I showed off the chalk in the shower area like in a gym then proceeded to walk back to my friend’s house where I was hoping to play with the TechnoPuttyStuff but somehow I got lost. I was crushed that I was so very lost! I knew the general direction of the place but there were so many obstacles in my way that I wasn’t sure how to get there. Some of the obstacles forced me to go in so many other directions that I kept getting turned around.

Gee was I upset! So to make myself feel better I began to help a bunch of old people in wheelchairs along my way. I would push them around, pick up stuff they dropped, get them things they asked for and other little odd jobs to occupy myself while I was looking to get back on track, by now I was just sure I missed my friend being home so no more TechnoPutty for me.
One lady in a red wheelchair had me look up a number in her address book for her since she had bad eyes as old people do and the wind blew it outta my hands. It took some doing but I chased it down, looked up the number, grabbed the little papers that fell out of it then gave it back to her and we parted ways.

I started to look around again and saw a series of walls with glass and advertisements on them all in a row and some other walls and fences that marked that as the direction I wanted so I almost literally flew over all those walls and fences in my direction. And then all of a sudden I find myself on a really big boat that had just pulled away from the inland dock as I jumped onto it. Gee wiz! I was thinking it too bad GPS didn’t exist in this dream!

Gosh I looked everywhere for the turn thingy that would go in the right direction for me to be able to jump back on to the land part. No real luck there. Everyone in that whole place seemed all obsessed with traveling or going somewhere all throughout my dream. Then I bumped into the old lady in the red wheel chair again.

So again I helped her out with stuff. She was looking for a group of old friends from some old organized group that had formed way back when during an old way of the place and they had odd ways of identifying each other. I promised her I would help her find one of them that was close to her back then so she could get the proper authorization papers and/or means to travel where she needed to go for a new home.

We finally found one but he tried to run away from us for some unknown reason. So I pushed her as fast as I could and prayed the damn chair had a seatbelt because we were going fast! …And over stairs, hills, valleys, through doors, in and out of buildings until finally we found him at one of the travel buildings by the local college on the island the boat stopped at. Yeah dreams are weird. We had to fly jump over a ditch to get to the old abandon looking building.

She and I had a plan to trap the guy into having us travel with him. By now my whole objective of the dream had changed and it was now my only goal to travel to a new place like everyone else for a new home and my way out was by helping this old lady. So the plan was to get a pass as the lady was under the guise of the mother of the guy we were chasing after, I was going as his much younger trophy wife, and I called the lady grandma and made some arrangements and stole some luggage from the back when no one was looking.

The plan was for me to explain something to the clerk about him having to come along first for some credible reason while I picked up and cared for grandma. Yeah I know it makes no real sense to call her grandma if I was to be the son's trophy wife but... anyway when we saw him and he looked upset at us catching up with him, I was to keep him from talking by just pretending that he was only upset for my safety since it can be dangerous to travel. That and at last minute he wanted me to stay behind but as his wife I didn’t want to leave my "honey bunny" and was just so sure my nice older man would just be sooo lonely without his “gem” on his arm. Then if he balked or tried to deny anything I would just say that he was flustered by the thoughts I put into his head before we parted last. Hehehe a nice plan.

Then here comes the kicker… I would whisper into his ear something that would put a shocked and embarrassed look on his face while securing that he would just have to play along with our scheme. It was a great plan and I knew I could pull it off being such a convincible actress and talented seductress. Hehehe!

Our travel plans we getting to be real fun and it didn’t occur to me to mind if I did have to end up really sleeping with the man just so we could use him. But before I even got to the part where I would have to give him a perfect award winning young trophy wife kiss I woke up! Oh well, I didn’t really finish any part of that dream and just spent most of the time lost and helping out old people along the way. I really liked that playful TechnoPutty goopey stuff though and would have liked to get some more but like I said dreams are weird.

Sick!

Grrr! I am very sick and even more unhappy about it. Grrrr!

Questions Answered to be Pondered

The following is a chat discussion I felt I would like to share with you. I haven’t edited it one bit so please try to follow along the conversation as best you can and feel free to share your thoughts when finished reading. Oh and please ignore the bad spelling and silly typos this was an IM chat:

cyberman1230: I am always wondering why i like so much to be nude either alone or in front of other people
violetsungoddess: i always thought because nude is our natural state.
cyberman1230: yes, but do you think that it has a sexual background also?
violetsungoddess: only if you connect the two. I think nudity only is sexual if one makes it so but nudity in itself is very nonsexual. Nudity is just nudity, Sex is just sex. It may be easier to have sex while nude but they are different since you can be nude without being sexual and you can be sexual without being nude
violetsungoddess: much of the porn industry knows this which is why you see so much lace and leather or high boots
violetsungoddess: among other things
cyberman1230: yes, sure
violetsungoddess: the origional pin up girls were not at all nude but just in diffrent positions with a look of lust on their faces
violetsungoddess: it is all in the mind
violetsungoddess: but nude is our natural state
violetsungoddess: i could see hundreds of people nude without getting turned on
violetsungoddess: I could see hundreds of clothed people and get turned on, or not
violetsungoddess: it really makes no difference to me and many other nudists i talk to
cyberman1230: I do agree also
violetsungoddess: but we are higly sexual beings and that is also natural
violetsungoddess: all my point is that one doent always go with the other even though it can if you wish it to be so
cyberman1230: that's right
violetsungoddess: many cannot separat it in their minds do to modern society programming and the constant bombardment of sexuality infiltrating everything in ads and the media
cyberman1230: you know, I am trying to connect the physical state to be nude with the pleasure of been watched nude or to watch others been nude
violetsungoddess: therefore many people get various wrong ideas about sex and how it affects people or even children who may or may not be exposed to certian images. They have no idea that much of what they al call "protection of our youth" is actually "keeping them from the truth" which can cause more harm then just being open and honest about hings that are natural
violetsungoddess: the children of the world are much smarter and stronger than much of the mainsream society thinks and that bugs me that children are being so underestimated they all end up with less self esteam, underestimate themsleves, become sheep or even drones. It is very sad i think
cyberman1230: Yes it is!
violetsungoddess: Children should be lifted up, ecuraged to do good and healthey things, empowered to be who they want to be
violetsungoddess: none of us have a system in place to do that yet though
violetsungoddess: so that is why i will be homeschooling all my kids
violetsungoddess: and why i will start my own private schools to give kids the chance to help make this world truly a better place
violetsungoddess: and put the art programs back into the old schools
cyberman1230: I wish you to make that a reality
violetsungoddess: and have only teachers who agree with me for the most part on how the children should be guided and instructed.
violetsungoddess: enough with schools being treated like preisons
violetsungoddess: enough with all the cops and metal detecotrs
cyberman1230: yes, yes I agree with you
violetsungoddess: enough with kids feeling the need to shot others or themselves just to get the attention they crave for so long
violetsungoddess: They have been screaming for our attention, our love and our help but no one out there seems to be getting their messages the right way or doing the right things to fix it
violetsungoddess: i plan to
violetsungoddess: and i will get others to help me fix it
cyberman1230: that will be a dream to come true
violetsungoddess: i can see no other effective way to chage the world from negative to posative other than to teach our children that they really do matter to us, that they can make a difference, that they are loved and can get the rigth kind and amount of attention from others if they just follow a few simple steps that all the others seem to never have learned well enough to teach
violetsungoddess: all those poor kids who are neglected pisses me off to see it is all our fault
violetsungoddess: our society who has done this to them
violetsungoddess: and they are blind to see the effects of their actions
violetsungoddess: We MUST change that and make them see
violetsungoddess: We must make things more posative
violetsungoddess: it will take much effort, much agreements, much time, much cooperation
violetsungoddess: but i will give it my all and expect everyone i work with to also give it their all
violetsungoddess: our children of the world are worth it
cyberman1230: Please tell me where do you derive all those wonderful ideas?
violetsungoddess: I look around me, see what happends, study our history of how we got here, keep my eyes open, keep my mind open and then listen to my heart. I go serching for the good i see in the world and see how it got good, I go looking for the bad and see how it got bad then listen to my heart and the ideas and hearts of others around me. I listen to those who are smarter than I am and try to figure out how I can process information better.
violetsungoddess: I look at those less fortunate and put mysef in their shoes, then listen to my heart
violetsungoddess: I see the world through so many eyeys then listen to my heart
violetsungoddess: some how with enough discussions, stories and information my heart and my brian can come to the proper aggreements and i hope that answer your question
cyberman1230: Yes you answer my question and i believe that you are a wonderful person! I really love to read what you write and I beieve also that you are very special person. I am also happy that I can talk with you even if am so far away from you!
violetsungoddess: Thank you for your kind words. You are also capable of doing as i do. Step 1 is to eliminate all of your fear. Not just conqure it but elimitate it all together. Do not be afraid to feel the hard stuff as well as the good stuff. Do not be afraid to get you hands dirty so you can see what must be seen to have understanding. Do not be afraid of what others may think of you no matter what. Do not be afraind to be who you want to be right now and then do not be afraid to change your mind or make a mistake. Eliminate all fear. It will only hold you back. We are all human and i still work on this one but i have been at it a while so i have expanded my horizons. You can too.
cyberman1230: You gave today some answers that i was looking and searching for a long time and i thank you too
violetsungoddess: well step two may be mmore tricky so let me know when you think you are ready for it after you have worked on step one for a while.
cyberman1230: ok. That it the time were I am working with my fears of any kind. I am trying to eliminate those fears and free myself. So words are coming at the right time in the right place....
cyberman1230: And really thank you for that!

Hot Chicks Cause Trouble

I was entering a coffee shop and one of the waitresses in the tiny place looked like a real Super Model whom I do not know the name of but somehow found her way into my dream. I wanted her real bad as soon as I saw her. Somehow I instinctively knew she was into both guys and girls so I went to her boss and asked her how I could possibly land myself that really hot waitress woman.

She told me that many have asked her that same question in so many ways but she liked the look of me and for some reason decided to give me some tips on how to win her over and let her decide what she thought of me. So every day I would go to that coffee shop and receive instructions on how to look at hot chick, when to turn my head in her direction and how, different walks to grab her attention so the goal was to get the waitress to notice me and come to me for a possible date instead of me out right asking her out.

I felt I was being sneaky luring her to me instead of just going directly after her but then there was this lonely nice guy across the street that I met as I was walking out of the coffee shop and for some reason I gave up my own pursuit of the hot chick and started to coach him on how he might get the girl everyone wants. If I was awake I would have slapped myself silly at the thought of giving up such a woman.

One day while I was coaching him I saw this old, ugly, evil Witch who comes out of the basement and kidnaps the hot chick for her slave and bound them magically together so the poor hot chick couldn’t get away or betray the witch in any way no matter what.

I then got upset and decided to once again bring back the use of the tremendous magic powers I rejected and stuffed away in myself years ago swearing never to use again. I quickly got into that basement, took the girl away from the Witch to set the poor thing free, then bound the Witch herself to me as my slave. The hot chick was very grateful and we became best friends. The old ugly Witch was forced to serve us coffee and tea when we wanted and was punished by the magic bond if she even thought of betrayal. I made that evil thing cook and clean for me and lived happily ever after…until I woke up that is.

I watch too much tv

This dream was very bloody and violent and just plain upsetting since it was dreamt just after seeing that week’s episode of Spartacus Blood and Sand. I should have known better and seen something else before going to bed. I watch too much TV.

Galactic Nanny

This dream is weird because I work for the Official Intergalactic Social Security Agency or OISSA. Which sounds like a noise you may make during a face palm for yourself that doesn’t quite come out right. It isn’t just one building of course but is an entire planet that houses all of the departments within the Agency. I work specifically for the one that provides the Nannies. I had to go through a whole bunch of cultural sensitivity training and then a Secret Service like type protection training program and then I was dispatched out to watch over four alien royal kids that looked and behaved like humans. Well I guess not too weird of a dream yet right? It gets better.

Of the four alien kids two were girls and two were boys they were all around age ten and half the time they were all perfect little angels and the other half they were little terrors hell bent on destruction. The good news was I knew how to handle them so when I was around everything for the most part went smoothly. Then the royal family got the bright idea that their kids were all of a sudden perfect and a cheaper nanny could now watch over them so they switched nannies with their neighbors whom they had heard could use some help.

So I am now the nanny of the neighbors of the royal family alien kids. As soon as I got in their house I heard the parents complaining and bitching about how the royal family’s nanny was such a lazy ass horrible and luck nanny to have it so easy with such perfect kids to watch over. After hearing about 20 min of their bad mouthing of the royal nanny I went to them and said loudly that I was that nanny and if you truly feel that way then I will be going back there without helping them at all.

So I get back to the royal alien family dwelling to find it in total chaos! The kids have run amuck and taken over everything much to the horror of the nanny I switched with and the royal parents. They had no idea how to fix it or calm the kids down or anything. Everyone was freaking out since they were messing up the whole planet and thus their whole race which could get them all killed if not handled properly.

They see me and on their faces I see fear with a small twinge of hope now that I am there. They never thought much about me or know how I do what I do but I was about to show them my true worth. I went over to those kids, put on my fiercest “Mom” face, adopting the whole persona of “you-are-in-hot-water” mannerisms making it very clear to them without a word that I mean business and they better fall in line real quick or face much worse of a punishment then they were already in for.

They knew real quick why I was there, what I expected from them, and that there was no way they were going to get away with anything and I didn’t have to say a thing since they had known me as their nanny for quite some time by now. As soon as they were back in their beds as little angels I showed and assured them how much I care for them and went to have a chat with the adult royal family who brought this on themselves and could use a nanny of their own at times.

They sent me to the agency planet to teach at a conference for nannies for a weekend and when I got there it had expanded. I didn’t think there was room to expand on that planet but somehow they found a way to build up and down further for what they needed. I was supposed to help change and enforce some new intergalactic policies in the child care department. Instead I ended up getting lost.

While wondering around I kept asking random aliens for directions. Use your imagination for how each one looked since mine went too haywire to describe them much more than to say that they were colorful and very odd. I made many friends, had a few conversations that were interesting at the time anyway. Then I got to the fertility portion of the planet. I peeked in as I was passing by an office just to see what I might see since I just so happen to be here while lost. What I saw in one office was an evil looking female alien thing mixing together stuff in tubes, beakers, and peetry dishes. Then she combined everything into one long straw like tube. She went into another office where a lady was waiting to be implanted with a baby of her own to have. That evil lady put her tube thing into a surgical opening in the other lady’s abdomen then put a spell of some kind on her so she would think she was just implanted as planed when really she was hiding, nurturing, and protecting the evil lady’s offspring. Evil lady planed on fleeing to a safer place then finding a way to come back and finish incubating the fetus herself when she got the chance.

I wasn’t sure if I should speak of what I witnessed or not and if so then to who and who could I trust? Would telling put me or the royal family I was watching over in any danger? I decided to first keep looking for my destination and if an opportunity presented itself then I would do something about what I saw. I was also hoping that what I saw would not hurt the royal family if I just kept my mouth shut. I had no way of knowing her intentions other than the ones I already knew since it was my dream.

I passed by many other departments, made more friends, asked more directions and in the middle of either getting more lost or finding my way I woke up.

WTF Piano

This dream was a lot like the TV show V but the group trying to take over the world and succeeding was the church instead of alien Visitors and the rebel group trying to oppose the takeover was not yet named instead of called the 5th Column.

I was a part of the rebel group and it was my job to come up with a safe and secure meeting place for our rebel force and for new recruits to come and feel safe and welcome. Many who came to us just needed protection but could offer no real help in the fight against the church so they just needed taking care of. Sometimes we could find tasks they could do to help like look after the injured or sick, watch over the children, find and pass out food, but the main force was made up of people who were very good a keeping stuff secret and hidden. They were called Secret Keepers. Most of the time they had to teach others how to survive in the big world by appearing to blend into the main society while still actually being a part of the rebels. Our group couldn’t really house people so we had to learn how to adapt and blend in so we could still somehow have a place to dwell.

So I went around to different places and searched for nooks and crannies in the various different cities I traveled to for any place that would be safest and best for our rebel group to meet. Finally during a visit to the main church in the oldest main church city I just so happened to come across a door that was so well hidden that there was no way anyone could tell it was there unless they were really trying hard to look for it. I went inside as quietly as I could and inside was a very large completely run down and abandoned room. It was large enough to hold about 500 people comfortably if we all cleared the floor of the rubble and sat down cross legged.

The rubble was made up of broken down and rotted wooden church benches for a congregation to gather and watch their leader up at the front. In the right side corner of the front of the room was a broken down old piano that looked somehow very odd in a way but I couldn’t quite figure out yet how or why I got that feeling when I looked at it. Oh well I was happy since I had found our secret hiding meeting place in the twisty complicated deep section of the main church right under the noses of those we oppose but never to be found.

It was so perfect since we would never need an excuse to go into the church since it was expected of the good mass of people to go frequently for prayer and instruction or guidance. It was the best cover for our side to be seen walking into the greatest, oldest most important and sacred of churches. So our secret keepers then had to teach our side how to leave the main parts of the church without detection or suspicion if they were somehow questioned along the way to our deep special place. There were so many hallways that small groups of people of say two or three could easily walk through them in all directions in random looking patterns so it would never look like a large group of people slowly gravitating towards one place by taking round about paths to get there.

Everyone had to do their part so we would never be discovered we would never go the same way twice unless it was our turn to go that direction again for our necessary excuses to where we were going to work properly and was all a part of the plan. Many of our group also had cover alibis just in case it was noticed they were not seen for too long of a time. Generally we had to keep our meetings brief anyway and could never really meet everyone in our group at the same time since they all normally arrived and therefore had to leave at various different times so there was much verbal message passing and repeating of what was going on or information that had to be spread though our group. It was required that everyone visit our location at least once so we know who is and who is not with us. We had a Screener who somehow could tell and keep track of all that stuff to keep away any spies or infiltrators and traitors.

One day we had to have a sort of emergency meeting and get everyone to our place at the same time so we used an special church function day to get everyone there and it wouldn’t be noticed that a group of people from the extremely large crowds in and around that church somehow weren’t all there. There was no way anyone could tell that with so many thousands of people celebrating the church function about 400 had gone somewhere especially since that group never left the church. All the doors were monitored of course so if we did have to leave it would have been recorded that we left the church building. I really did find the best place for us to meet.

So finally we all made it into our big secret meeting place and I got this overwhelming impulse to play the broken piano so I went over there and even though I knew I had never taken any more than a handful of lessons I started to instinctually play like a pro. Out came the most beautiful and wild upbeat sounds I had ever heard and slowly images started to be seen coming out of the top of the piano as if the notes had visual representations. The images transparent like whips of cloud material and I was scared at first since none of that should have been possible especially from a broken piano. I had no idea how I played it so well or how the sound somehow worked or what was going on with those pretty images but everyone in the room felt uplifted and blissful. I just kept playing, listening to the wonderful music, and watching those magical images until I woke up and I got the feeling everything was going to be ok.

I Can Fly and Pray

This dream started out with me looking over a large room in a really big community building. It had normal carpet that was a kind of denim blue and there was a folding stage area up front, chairs set up in rows with no isle and a platform that could be folded out of the back wall like the back of a pickup truck only this makes a narrow stage in the back of the room almost the length of the room itself. The room wasn’t overly large or overly small. I’d guess it could seat about 200 people or so comfortably and the stage area was pretty small.

Suddenly it was that night and all the people were there in their seats and quietly watching the front of the room. What was going on was a sort of chant, prayer, ritual thing that had seven people in white robes with hoods in a circle off to the right side of the stage. Five people picked up and spread out a white sheet loosely over a 2 foot square black plain black table about waste high with a slightly shiny finish. The other two robed people were in the middle of the circle almost phasing with the sheet during the chant. What they were doing was guiding the sculpting of an art piece that is supposed to be created during this ritual by these seven robed people just as a symbol to remind others how important it is to create art and things and share it with the world if you can. It is also a way they say their thanks for whatever it is or to whoever it is they are thankful for or to.

The sheet becomes a part of the art piece somehow. The other 200 people in the audience is supposed to either watch silently and as still as possible or to chant and towards the end some are delegated or chosen to dance during the final pieces of the ritual chants.

I realize that my part in this is to fly dance so I do. I take off up into the air, walk on the ceiling, and twirl quite a bit until the euphoria of flight is stand able enough to begin the dance in the air. During most of the ritual I am making all kinds of dancelike beautiful patterns in the air. At the end I realize that no one was able to pay attention enough to even notice that miraculously I could fly when no one else could but very few as in one per generation may discover they have such an ability. Most people just can’t and never will fly and those that do try to keep it to themselves unless they are people like me who just much show off my flight skills.

Instantly I was a celebrity and many kids asked me to give them rides. I was only just getting used to how to control this ability of mine to fly so I was only able to carry the little ones but it was great fun to fly around all over the place. It did take energy to fly so there were times I did just come down and walk. I wasn’t always in the air and when I was many times I was close to the ground so I could talk to people and visit. Once I got really good at flying I could do so in just about any way I wanted in any direction. The only limitation was distance and my energy level. Once I got to about high enough to touch the clouds it took more energy to go any higher so I usually didn’t go much higher. Once I got to about 100 miles per hour I just really couldn’t go much faster or go so fast for very long. Most of the time I only flew about 7 miles an hour or maybe 25 at times but it wasn’t the main focus of my dream unless I had been on my feet for too long and got a bit scared I may lose my flight ability so I would take off just to make sure I could and feel once again the euphoria of being in the air. I woke up wanting to go back to sleep to fly some more. Oh and there was usually some kind of music playing at all times throughout the whole dream.

Unfolding Library

About a week ago I had a dream that this lady was giving a presentation about this new product outside of a store in the mall. This new product was an unfolding library. How it worked was that it came all folded up about the size of say about from an elbow to a middle fingertip and about three inches in width. As you make the first few unfolds it becomes the size of a dresser. Then unfold it some more and it is about the size of a small hall closet. Then you can keep unfolding and it can get to the size of a whole room of display shelves. When it is all the way unfolded it is the size of a house and you can climb up the shelves and sit on one level or another to read whatever book you pick out. It comes complete with a sun deck roof so you can just keep climbing in and around it like a jungle gym until you get to that level. The demo was unfolded all the way and filled with books everywhere along with a few nice things to look at to spice up the decoration a bit.

Near the top level was a whole bunch of really awesome children’s books so I went up there and stopped listening to the lady speaker as I opened a few to get through them as fast as I could. Tucked away in one small corner of a shelf I found a piece of chocolate candy. I unwrapped it and just was I stuck the first part of it in my mouth to take a bite, I turn my head towards the lady and I see her ever so slightly shake her head at me while she continued talking. I got upset and didn’t care if she said no so I was about to bite down when…DANG IT!!! I woke up!!! I had a cookie with breakfast to cheer me up.

Docks & Odd Boats

In this dream I was driving in the car a very long way with Dad in the middle of the night. He said he wanted me to see something special he thought I would like. At around 4am we finally pulled into the parking lot of wherever we were, parked, got out, stretched, then walked to the first bridge to the first dock we were at. I asked him what we were up to and why we were at such a large harbor near the ocean. He told me to just follow him. I told him I was cold. He pulled out a large blue puffy jacket that I zipped and snapped up but I was still cold. For some reason I was wearing a cotton skirt and my purple slip on shoes. The wind was blowing and we get to a sort of beach section that has a shake on the upper right part of it selling little boats so people could get from one side of the beach to the other since the water cut off a large part of it. Those who couldn’t afford a boat had to wait for some nice person to take them or wait for a piece of large drift wood that would naturally float its way back to where we all were standing in the cold wind.

There was a dock out to that water and much further out I could see really huge sail boats coming in and out of the harbor and also docked on the other sides. This side had only bridges, docks, and a weird rest area for visitors that was a bit like a restaurant but not really one. The drift wood finally made its way back to our side of the beach area and my Dad jumped onto it and looked at me to follow. I shook my head and shouted that I don’t jump well and defiantly won’t make it in a skirt. He paddled it to shore the few feet it had gone out and pulled the drift wood to the sand and kept it there for a while. I told him I was too cold to even feel my legs properly and he wanted me to jump onto a piece of wood that who knows if I could even make it onto without plunging into the water. I asked him what he was thinking and what in the world he was up to. Was it the boats or the water he wanted to show me? I just didn’t know and was getting colder by the minute.

After waiting while I noticed the line for the drift wood was getting longer and the sun was slowly coming up. It was very overcast and cloudy in the sky. I asked Dad why he was planning on holding that piece of drift wood all day or if he was going to use it to transport us to the other side. He asked me if I was suicidal. The rest of the line lost interest in going across that way and muttered something about nightfall being safer. I just didn’t understand. I told him I was too cold to keep just waiting her in the freezing cold so I was going go to back to the car to warm up and wait for him. He told me he would walk back with me then come back.

We started back towards the car but then he was walking too fast ahead and I lost sight of him. I tried to find my own way across all the bridges and docks and stuff but I got really lost. I ended up finding a dead end in this really beautiful secret like looking cove. Coming up onto the beach in the small bright and beautiful cove was a bunch of super large animals carrying a sort of built on boat on their backs with people and cargo in it. I stared in amazement! It was such a spectacular and bright sight I almost didn’t feel the cold anymore. After a while Dad came up behind me and said, “This is what I wanted you to see, do you like it?” I smacked him hard on the arm and said, “You disappeared on me! Where did you go so fast?”

He chuckled and said that he had to because the only way to find the place was to not know it’s there and you must get lost in order to find this magical place. I would never have found it if I had been guided to it by another and most people cannot get to it twice. I asked him how in the world he got there again if he had done it once before. He said it was all in his mind. He had to force himself to forget, turn off his directional sense and wonder around aimlessly until it showed up. Not just anyone has that kind of mental control. He said we always must come alone so by leaving me behind I was able to find it before him since I didn’t need the mind trick for my first time here. Then he gave me a hug and said he woule try and teach me this mental control and I woke up still freezing my ass off.

Destroy All Humans Dream

In my dream people were just all around going about their day when all of a sudden these aliens come outta no where and beam down their really odd and destructive machines. Those robots shot everything they could find and then rounded up some of the adults and most of the children that hadn’t been pulverized. They were all put into cardboard boxes big enough for one person each then began to lift them all up in a huge net to their ship. Some of the adults saw a way to help some of the kids possibly avoid being killed or taken by shoving the cardboard boxes that were under them out of the net so they would fall onto a hopefully building rooftop that wasn’t too smashed up yet.

All the people left behind or somehow saved from the slaughter and/or kidnapping found themselves in a world that has been completely destroyed. They wondered around wondering how they were to survive when one of the Alien left over scout ships found them and lured them into the side of a mountain which was actually a large hologram and computer AI ship. Everyone who entered had their consciousness removed from their bodies and placed into their computer for storage in some kind of simulation world controlled by this AI computer. The people were represented as stick figures and could run up the side of walls or defy gravity since this was an artificial environment. It turned out to run a bit like a video game where the objective was to outsmart the AI computer and escape their cells and once out to then try and escape the program if they ever got to the point where they even found out that they existed only as a program. This being an outright impossible task since the bodies they came from are now gone forever since what was them was taken out of the bodies. They would have to find a new vessel for their consciousness if ever to win at this bazaar game so I realized I was just going to have to make the best of the situation and not even play the game. Instead I tried to find as much of my family as I could and make plenty of friends along the way. We had all sorts of tea parties and games of our own we could figure out how to program and play while in this weird world until I woke up. I remember thinking, “Well that was another weird one, maybe I have played too many video games.”

Gay Diva Assassins

Oh boy did I have this odd dream about very flaming Gay and Lesbian Diva Assassins. Everyone in the group was obsessed with hair, makeup, nails, and killing people as quickly, cleanly and efficiently as possible. They were full of all kinds of interesting weapons concealed on their hair, nails, make up, and all over their various bright and sequenced garments. It was very entertaining. My role in the dream was as an ally to the assassin group and they would sometimes call on me for my acting and infiltrations skills to gather information needed for a kill. Because I am Bi and not gay I couldn’t really be a part of the team but I could help and sometimes had to sleep with someone to get the information sought after. For the first time ever Timmy was in my dream as another consultant and his job was to create distractions. To be a distraction he had to play the role of a very drunk gay guy who was ruining his house by turning it into one giant bubble bath and singing at the top of his lungs while sitting in the bubbles.

I tend to have some pretty weird dreams but this one I felt like writing down. It was pretty cool. One poison was hidden in a lipstick designed to be harmless to the wearer with certain precautions but so very deadly to anyone else all you had to do was touch the same side of a card with your lips or skin during a game of suck and blow that it would kill you in seconds. Of course the lipstick was purple. It took about 7 steps to apply properly for it to work its best. I had no idea I Timmy would be in my dream for the first time but if a drunk guy had to be singing at the top of his lungs to create distraction I am sure glad that it was Timmy’s voice I was hearing. He totally rocks! I may be seeing him tonight since I am my sis ride to the club and we both should be there. Once again I will be the designated driver so once again he will have to keep the water flowing but he has always been so very sweet and kind about the fact that I do not drink. Timmy is a very great and talented bartender and a wonderful guy altogether. I am so glad he was a nice surprise to have in one of my weird dreams.

Birthdays and Spring Days

So, yesterday was Little Sister’s birthday party and Grandma and Grandpa actually showed up so we also celebrated Grandma’s birthday as well. It was great to see them both. It has been a while. Grandpa told all of us that he is ready to go to Heaven soon but on his own terms and is not at all scared. He also informed us that our other Grandma Pat has sever cancer and was sent home by the doctors to leave this world where she wants to within the next month or so. This means that this month will be one of the worst months in my live since we just lost our kitty, Sweetie, last night and now I may lose two of my Grandparents whom I have known and loved my whole life. This is a very sad time for our family but I know we will get through it. We have been through so much already so I think what we have survived through has made us stronger.

Today I went to the doctor to get more medication for my dizzy vertigo stuff since I have had this inner ear condition for the last week or so now and ran out. They refilled my prescription and gave me a referral to the ears, nose, throat doctor specialist to see if there may be anything else they can do to help me. I will also be seeing my primary doctor on the 6th sometime for a follow up.

While I was walking outside today from the parking lot to the hospital building and then back to the car I noticed that today is quite a beautiful and gorgeous Spring day. I love the temperature, it is perfect. I love the nice cool breeze that is just right. I love the big blue sky and the feel of the sun on my skin. It has all just perked me right up. I know I will not be perfectly happy with such other bad news and the loss but I can really enjoy a day like this. It is just all so very pretty and I hope all others can feel it and enjoy it with me. I pity those who cannot take the pleasure in such great weather when there are so many positive things to see. We have trees and flowers in our city you all just have to look at them with a smile. If you can’t do that then what is the point of being on this nice hunk of rock that rotates so well around the big bright thing in the sky?

I have begun to keep more in touch with those I love as much as possible through at least email so if anyone out their wants or needs to keep in touch with me then send me an email and I will get back to you so we can. Good communication creates harmony in all relationships.

For my kitty. The last two nights she was on my pillow the whole time every so often pawing me in the eye to wake me up so i can comfort her. Even though I didn't sleep much or well I will still miss her being so adorable all the time and nuzzling my forehead with her nose or tickling me with her whiskers. I washed her a bunch near the end since she stopped cleaning herself and stunk quite a bit if I didn't. An hour or so b4 she left us we tried one last attempt to eye drop some water into her mouth. I can't believe she held on as long as she did. She was so strong but in the end she was almost 18 years old and it was time to go. At least she didn't suffer as much as her brother did last year when we buried him.

Hubby held her outside where she was happy until her last breath and twitch. The poor guy saw her born he no doubt is taking this hard but I am here for him this time so it looks like he is dealing better about losing her then with Feisty last year. I was at BayCon last year when he left us an we were fighting that whole weekend. Hubby just doesn't take this sort of thing well. I should have been more there for him but we were both being impossible to put up with that week.

I have lost so many people in my life I feel (and this may sound bad) like I have learned how to better cope with loss than most people have.

Even if all my losses were not lost by death I still knew I would never see them again when those doors closed on those chapters of my life and it still hurts the same in my book. when you love others as much, as deeply, and as unconditionally as I do there is much risk and much pain involved especially for a Foster Child but i continue to Love others the way that I do despite the risk and the pain that goes with it.

As a child I also learned many defense mechanisms and put up sever specific walls to keep myself as protected as possible and still survive. This also made for many bad habits in my teens. That took much love, patience, and therapy to fix. The biggest contributors to my healing process as I grew older were and still are my Hubby, Father, and Grandpa Jay.

Grandpa Jay is one of my all time heroes and always will be. It would not surprise me if he came back every so often just to check in with us as a ghost or something. The guy is a walking miracle in our family and has really devoted his entire life to helping others and changing the world for the better.

He and Grandma had several Foster kids of their own b4 I was even born. But those were slower times and the economy was a bit better back then. Still they found a way to care for a bit over 100 kids within about 12-15 years before I was even thought of.

Grandpa has been known to pull so many miracle stunts like driving over a river. Driving with no gas somehow, driving while asleep, and driving with a stick stuck in the side to cover a whole in the gas tank. He has had over 30 heart attacks that I know of. Over 6 open heart surgeries a few that he even watched while it was happening, He once had gout now it is gone, he once had stomach cancer it is now gone, he was once deaf he can now hear. The list goes on…

He has driven his motorcycle home while asleep perfectly safely. He has even astro-projected, floated in the air, AND the guy once teleported in seconds. I believe the whole thing because when I was a kid I saw my Dad do similar things with my own eyes and have a few of my own real life incredible stories of miracles.

We come from a very long ass line of very spiritual people who have spent their whole lives in the service of others. Most of us can sing or play and instrument. Grandpa can play most instruments. He can also throw his voice and has done some work for the government with my dad.

My Dad had a whole life before I was even born. Grandpa had several. He has died several times but it just didn't stick yet. I am so glad I got to see my family and especially Grandpa Jay before he goes home to meet the big guy he has such a close relationship with.

I believe in miracles only because I have seen them. I grew up with all this but it is very new and even unheard of to others I am aware so if this is too much for you to hear then I may be able to help you deal with all this information. I have no trouble talking about any of it. So far I have only given you the cliff notes. Some of it can even be explained scientifically from a certain point of view. Talk to me some time. I can explain it all just ask me anything you like. I will probably always believe that with great brilliance also comes great insanity. My family has proven this to me time and time again...LOL! Grandpa was insane to try to drive over that river but it was brilliant that he pulled it off so well. I wish the whole world to know him but like most incredible people in our world will most likely get the most recognition long after he passes on. Much love to all.